if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize