I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
