and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
