Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
