You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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