ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
