im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
