I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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