I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
