Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We have started to decorate penises.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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