is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
