Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My ass is underappreciated
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
