You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
