Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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