I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish i was in the wii world.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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