I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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