So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
