I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
