I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
