I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
