just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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