If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize