Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize