He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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