Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
