Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
