Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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