I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
