the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
