last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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