i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
pray to the hookup gods
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
