I'm lost and stupid without you.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
