kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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