If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
