How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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