My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
