i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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