Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
