I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
