I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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