Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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