I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
