When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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