2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
