Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
