Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
