You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just had sex bonerless
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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