Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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