i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
they're like a gay fantastic four
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Randomize
