8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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