that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
