Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
