Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
