come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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