I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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